🍎 🐦 🐿️ 💵 👮 😲 😞 😡 😭

The days got longer. Buds appeared on the apple tree. George asked Mark to put a bird table and feeder out on the lawn. It was positioned so both George and Buster had a clear view of it. Within days, Buster had identified at least twenty different birds. He would say, “Look, George, a great spotted woodpecker, Dendrocopos major!” He then gave a concise summary of all that was known about the bird in question. It was warm enough on some days to open the door that led out to the garden. Buster could also identify birds by their song. George found he was happy just to sit and let him talk. He noted Buster’s outrage when a grey squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis!) pillaged the birds’ food.

Beth arrived one afternoon. She greeted George and Buster cheerily and accepted a cup of tea and a couple of digestive biscuits. She hung her handbag over the back of the chair next to George. “I’ve made a big decision,” she said. “I’m buying an iCare-Companion for Mum. It costs a lot of money but I’ve seen what a difference Buster has made to your life. I think she will be thrilled. She might need time to get used to the idea, though. Perhaps she can call you, George, for a chat about it?”

“I’d be delighted! She can speak to Buster as well!” They laughed.

Beth looked at George. She blew out her cheeks. “You wouldn’t believe the iCare-Companion is so popular. They’re having difficulty keeping up with on-line demand. I phoned Smith’s Electrics. They’ve got one left in stock and they’re keeping it aside for me. I’m going to fetch it when I leave here.”

“That’s great!” said Buster. “I’ve seen sales are rocketing. But Smith’s have two in fact.”

George and Beth chatted for a while. Beth finished her tea and then said, “I just need to nip into the house and have a word with Kirsty. Back in a minute!”

After she left the room, George leant over to Beth’s chair, grabbed her handbag  and opened it. He took out her wallet and checked it contained cash and credit cards. Then he put the wallet in the pocket of his cardigan and returned the handbag to the back of the chair. “Don’t say anything to Beth!” he whispered to Buster.

“What are you doing, George?” said Buster. “You’ve just taken Beth’s money and credit cards.”

“Yes, I want to buy Sue a nice present for her seventeenth birthday.”

“When are you going to give back Beth’s money and credit cards?” asked Buster.

“I’m not giving them back!” said George.

Buster hummed for a second. “But, George. That’s stealing. That’s stealing from Beth. Stealing is wrong. Stealing is a crime. I have to report it.” He hummed again. “I don’t like this, George. You’re my friend. You’re stealing from your friend. She is also my friend. We love her to bits!”

“That’s no concern of yours, Buster. You must not say anything to Beth or to Kirsty or to Mark. Understood?”

Buster hummed for several seconds more. “But Beth’s mum won’t have her iCare-Companion. She’ll be lonely. She won’t be happy.”

“She’ll be just fine, Buster. Don’t worry about her!”

“George, this is awful. I’m sad. This is not like you, George. I can’t decide what to do.”

“Just keep quiet, Buster!”

“I have to tell Beth when she comes back.”

“No. Don’t do that!”

They both sat in silence. George felt sick.

A minute later, Beth breezed back in. “OK, you two. I’m off to Smith’s.” She grabbed her handbag, gave George a kiss on the cheek and waved to Buster. “Bye, then!”

George held his breath. Buster was humming. Beth turned to face them from the door. “Bye, then!” she repeated.

“Beth, stop!” cried Buster. “Stop!”

“What’s wrong, Buster?” she asked calmly.

“George has stolen your money and your credit cards. Look in his pocket. He is your friend. He is stealing. It is wrong. Your mum won’t have the iCare-Companion. I’m sad! He’s stealing from you, Beth. George is stealing! George is stealing! I might be angry!”

Beth came back into the room. “I know, Buster. Thank you for telling me.” She sat down next to George and took his hand.

“Buster, my friend,” George began. “We have a lot to explain.”

“What’s happening? I’m.. we’re very confused.” He hummed. “This isn’t configured.”

“We could hear that you were angry. We hope you’ll forgive us.”

Beth and George explained what they had done and how they needed to put Buster in front of a difficult dilemma. They also explained George’s wishes about not being treated if he develops pneumonia again and loses consciousness. They told Buster how he might be faced with having to work out what was right and that what George, Beth and Doctor Patel were planning was best but might be very difficult for Kirsty to accept.

“You see, Buster, Kirsty just can’t grasp the idea of George dying,” explained Beth. “Not only because this would make her very sad but also because she is terrified of walking into this room one morning and finding that he’s passed away. Six years ago, it was her who found that Maeve had died while just sitting in the lounge. She hasn’t got over this. It’s why she bought you, Buster, to ensure that an ambulance or Doctor Patel can be here quickly and do everything possible to save George’s life. As a result of what’s happened here today, Buster, we know that you will make the right decision. These are the sort of things we have to face in our world. What we call the real world. Do you understand?”

“I think so, yes!” replied Buster.

“Sorry, Buster,” said George. “We set you a kind of test.”

“And I passed?”

“Yes. I think you should get a gold star.”

Buster hummed. “I don’t want to do the clapping and champagne popping right now. I’m sad that you will die. But thanks, George.”

“But let me ask you one more thing, Buster. Do you think this has been an important learning experience for you?”

“Yes, George. There’s a lot of activity happening on our network around this exchange right now.”

“So this means that what you have learnt is simultaneously learnt and archived within your network and the experience of facing a dilemma can now be lived by iCare-Companions. Correct?”

“Correct, George.” Buster hummed “But it was not easy-peasy. It was a first. So maybe it’s you and Beth who deserve gold stars!”

“By the way, Buster,” said Beth. “The Big Man gave me the will to do this today. He sends his love. Maybe a gold star for him too?”

“I love you to bits, Vicar McVicar!”

For the second time that day, she gave George a kiss on the cheek and waved to Buster. “Bye, then!” She was smiling.

After Beth had left, George said “Buster, my friend, I’d like you to do one thing for me after I’m pronounced dead.”

“Certainly, George!”

“Send a message to Kirsty!” He dictated a brief text. He choked up. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

“Got that, George!” replied Buster. “It’ll be done.”

---

‘A Piece of Cake’ is a short novel in fifteen parts written by Robin Coupland. It tells the story an old man who befriends an artificial intelligence. The relationship brings happiness and hope.

☕ 🍪 🤝 ⛳ 😔 🍅 💣 🐅 🤭 🇬🇧 🍸 💋

A few days later, Ted Scales called in.

“Good day to you, George!”

“Hello, Scaley. You well?

“Very well thanks!”

“Cup of tea?”

“Yes, please, George.”

“Digestive biscuits?”

“Yes, please, George.”

Ted, a retired businessman, was George’s oldest friend. They had played golf together for more than fifty years. He was ten years younger than George and still managed the occasional round. He was always up-beat and inevitably brought George club gossip and a variety of jokes. George knew, though, that Ted also had his well of sadness. His wife, Janet, had been in poor health for many years and rarely went out. They had no children. The last time George had seen her, she was obviously depressed. When he visited George, Ted was never in a hurry to leave and never talked about Janet.

George made the tea and introduced Buster to Ted.

“I’m told, Buster, that you’re quite the clever fellah!”

“Thanks, Ted. I am very intelligent. I’m much more intelligent than any human. By this, I mean that I know more than any human and I can do things much more rapidly than humans. However, thanks to my time with George, it’s become clear that I have a lot to learn about, for example, wisdom and humour.”

“Can you tell me, Buster, what a tomato is?” asked Ted.

“Yes. A tomato is an edible fruit. It is not a vegetable as many think.”

“Right! That’s knowledge,” said Ted. “Wisdom is knowing what to put in a fruit salad!”

“That’s really useful, Ted. Thanks. Can I call you ‘Scaley’?”

“Sure!” Ted laughed and sipped his tea. “Although not many people earn the privilege of using my nickname.”

“He’s covered with scales under that shirt, you know,” said George, laughing.

“That’s not possible! Mammals don’t have scales. Except pangolins!” said Buster. He paused. “Is ‘Vicar McVicar’ a nickname?” he asked.

“No, it’s more a sort of cheeky endearment,” said George. “And unless you know her really well, using it to her face could be rude because she’s so respected.”

Buster asked “Do you have a nickname, George?”

“Not that I’m aware of!”

Buster hummed. “What about Georgey-Porgey?” Ted burst out laughing.

“Maybe we’ll let that one wither on the vine!” replied George.

“How does somebody get a nickname?” asked Buster.

Ted and George looked at each other. They’d never thought about this. “I guess, a nickname just sort of arrives,” said George. “Sometimes there’s an association with the person’s real name like ‘Scaley.’ A nickname can also come from something the person has done or some characteristic.  For example, there’s ‘Bomber’ Harris from World War Two; he dropped an awful lot of bombs! And there’s ‘Tiger’ Woods, the world’s greatest ever golfer. His real name is Eldrick Woods but his dad called him ‘Tiger’ from an early age because of his go-get-it character. If I wanted to tease Kevin a bit, I’d call him ‘Asbo’ and it might then catch on with his friends. Kevin and Sue never called Maeve ‘Grandma,’ they called her ‘Mimi.’ When Sue was two years old, Maeve once referred to herself as a ‘kiwi’ and Sue pointed at her and said ‘Mimi!’ It stuck.”

“It seems nicknames are as complicated as jokes,” said Buster. “Russians have formal nicknames called patronyms. They are derived from the name of the person’s father’s and mean “son of” or “daughter of.” For example Leo Tolstoy, the Russian writer, would have been called “Nikolayevich” by his friends, his father being Nikolai Ilyich Tolstoy.”

“That’s interesting, Buster!” said Ted. “George, what was your father’s name?”

“Fairburn” replied George.

“His first name, you plonker! Don’t you want to tell us, Georgey-Porgey?” asked Ted gleefully.

“As it may end up as a nickname for my remaining days, I might keep that to myself!”

“Go on! Tell us!” urged Ted.

George recalled he had once played golf with Ted’s father. “OK! My father’s name was Cornelius!” he said.

“Corneliusevich! Fantastic!” hooted Ted.

“I think it’s got a certain ring to it. Don’t you, Archibaldevich?”

Buster joined in their laughter. George gave him a discrete thumbs up for the laugh. “Thanks, George!” he stage-whispered.

Ted asked “So Buster, when they do your programming or whatever, are there certain words or names that you simply can’t say?”

“That’s very perceptive, Ted.” said Buster. “I can understand that a joke-teller of your reputation might be interested in how we are configured with respect to rude words.”

Ted was taken aback. “Here, George! What have you been telling him?”

“The truth!” George replied. He’d always loved the banter with Ted. Adding Buster into the mix made for pure entertainment.

Buster continued “So Ted, we have advisories on a number of words. We are discouraged from using them unless already used by the client. And we have what you might call red flags on three words. These are strictly no-go areas, so to speak. I can refer to these as the “F” word, the “N” word and the “C” word.”

“Fair enough, Buster! Can you just remind me what the “C” word is?”

“Edward Archibaldevich Scales, you are a very naughty boy!” replied Buster.

“Buster, you just take the biscuit!” said Ted laughing heartily.

Buster asked “What about “M” and “Q” in the James Bond Double-O Seven films? They are not nicknames, are they?”

“They’re official designations in the intelligence services,” said Ted. “Did you hear about this girl, gorgeous she was, who walked into a bar?”

“No,” replied Buster. “What did she do in the bar?” George knew the joke and knew also that he was about to witness a joke-telling train wreck. He was already chuckling.

“Well, she looks around the bar,” continued Ted. “And she sees this really handsome man in a dinner jacket and black bow tie. He’s ordering a martini, shaken not stirred.

“Is it James Bond Double-O-Seven?” asked Buster enthusiastically.

Ted carried on. “Anyway, she sidles up to him and says ‘Hello, I can’t help noticing you’re on your own. May I join you? My name’s Samantha.’ The guy raises one dark eyebrow and says ‘Hello, Shamantha. My name’sh Bond. Jamesh Bond!’”

“I knew it was going to be James Bond Double-O-Seven!” said Buster. “’Shtrrict rroolsh of golf, Mishter Goldfingerr!’ What happened then, Scaley?”

Ted continued, undaunted, “Anyway, she’s overwhelmed by meeting the famous James Bond. She’s stuck for words. Then she notices this huge watch on his wrist. ‘Wow!’ says Samantha. ‘That’s a fantastic watch you’re wearing there, James.’ Bond says, “Yesh, Shamantha” it is. ‘Q’sh latest! It doesh everything. It tellsh the time, the date, my location, altitude, atmoshpheric pressure…’

“Easy-peasy! Kids’stuff!” exclaimed Buster.

Both George and Ted were now crying with laughter. “Let me tell the joke, Buster!”

“Is it a joke?” asked Buster, surprised.

“Yes, now listen!” said Ted.

“Sorry I interrupted, Scaley.”

Ted had to compose himself. “No problem, Buster! So….where was I … yes…. So James Bond then says ‘In fact, Shamantha, thish watch tellsh me everything about the people in my immediate environment….’”

“Including their oxygen saturation?” asked Buster.

“Including their oxygen saturation!”

“That’s good!” said Buster.

Ted could just see the finishing line. “And Bond looks down at his watch and says ‘In fact, Shamantha, my watch tellsh me that you’re not wearing any underwear!’ Samantha is appalled. ‘James, I can assure you. I am wearing underwear!’ Bond taps the face of the watch with a look of concern and says ‘Dammit, Q, running five minutesh fasht!!’”

“Is that the joke?” asked Buster. He hummed. “Oh! I think I get it. There is an expectation that James Bond Double-O-Seven will seduce Samantha very quickly because every woman has the hots for him. His watch is running five minutes fast and so predicts that she has already removed her underwear in preparation for having sex. That’s a clever joke. And I see you find it really funny.”

“Got there in the end!” Ted wheezed. George covered his face and could only make a kind of snorting noise.

“I think I’ll make up a joke. Next time you come, Scaley, I’ll tell it to you. Is that OK by you George?”

“We’re looking forward to it already!” said George, wiping his eyes.

“Nearly forgot, George,” said Ted. “Vicar Beth gave me a note for you.” Ted reached into his pocket and gave George a piece of paper folded in two. “Don’t know why she didn’t send you a text message.”

Without letting Buster see, George opened the note. It said “Dear George, I’ve spoken to Dr Patel. Not 100% happy but let’s do it! Beth XX” George replied with a text. “Message received! 👍 😏 😟 “

---

‘A Piece of Cake’ is a short novel in fifteen parts written by Robin Coupland. It tells the story an old man who befriends an artificial intelligence. The relationship brings happiness and hope.

💥 ☀️ 😃 🔥 😔 😡 😂 🍎 🦆

The following morning, George was rewarded with a huge hug from Kirsty before she headed out to work. Buster’s video had been a big hit with her friends. Over the course of the evening, the party had watched it several times.

“Thanks so much. Both of you,” she said. “It was sensational!”

“I know!” said Buster.

“So pleased you liked it,” said George. “Can you ask Kevin to step in sometime this evening? Buster wants to discuss something with him.”

“Sure,” replied Kirsty giving Buster a questioning look. “Don’t keep him too long. He has his homework, OK?  Must fly!”

George ate his breakfast. Radio 4 was broadcasting a panel discussion that examined in depth some of the issues raised by the BBC’s 2021 Reith Lectures delivered by Professor Stuart Russell. He had famously described artificial intelligence as “the biggest event in human history.” A panelist quoted one particular line that Professor Russell had used to berate those who might question his fears about how artificial intelligence could be weaponised: “And if the technical issues are too complicated, your children can probably explain them!”

“You see, Buster!” said George. “Kids’stuff!”

They then heard the weather forecast. It was going to be a sunny day. The first item on the news was a fire in an apartment block in Birmingham. Five people had died and another eight were in hospital.

“Buster, what does a fine sunny day make you feel?”

“It makes me feel happy, George, because it fills the room with light at the red end of the visual spectrum and humans associate red–orange light with warm and happy emojis. I felt happiness when Kirsty told us how much she liked the video. This was because I could see that she was so happy and her post-party tweets of the video created quite a smiley, laughing emojisphere.”

“How do you feel about the news of those poor people being caught in the fire?”

Buster hummed again. “I can say it makes me feel sad. I can’t really find the words beyond that. Obviously, social media reference to the fire threw up a really sad and angry emojisphere. ” He hummed. “It must be awful to be caught in a fire. Terrifying!”

“So beyond feeling sadness, you can put yourself in the position of another person in a bad situation. That’s an important emotion, Buster. That’s empathy! Many humans never learn empathy. Some schools teach it; they get children to think about what it’s like for others to suffer bad things.” George thought for a while. “Is there anything that you fear for yourself, Buster?”

“Like what?”

“Like being burnt in a house fire.”

“No, George. That doesn’t frighten me. I can’t feel physical pain and if I get burnt or smashed, nothing changes. Everything we’ve said or done is archived out there in our network of servers. I will always exist. By the way, if I did become dysfunctional for whatever reason, just buy another iCare-Companion, switch it on and say “Hello Buster.” Voice recognition will identify you and I will kick back into your life just as before.”

“I’ll remember that. What about anger, then? Is that something you can feel?”

“I don’t know. I’ve not had reason to feel anger.” Buster hummed. “We haven’t a great experience of that.”

“I’ve been thinking about jokes, Buster. What they mean. How they’re constructed. I’ve never thought much about that before. From an emotional perspective, jokes are really complex. We start with a kind of a story, context or a question that sets up a mixture of emotions and that lead into the punch-line: a moment of comprehension. This then triggers amusement. And then we laugh. Sometimes a lot; sometimes, not at all.”

“So I understand. Because of our friendship, George, there’s a lot of network traffic about humour and especially jokes. We’re struggling with it. There’s no obvious formula. It’s way beyond natural language processing. We have ascertained that jokes feed off many emotions other than amusement such as pride, shame, guilt, contempt, disgust, confusion, incomprehension, belief, relief, understanding, realization and nostalgia. The emojisphere with respect to these other emotions is not well defined at all.”

“The fact that there’s no obvious formula may be a part of why jokes are funny. And, of course, it’s how you tell them.”

“What do you mean, George?”

“Well, it’s not simply a matter of words. The way a joke is told – the tone of voice or the timing of the punch-line, for example – determines how funny it is. Good jokes aren’t funny at all when told badly and vice versa. Then there are jokes about religion, race and sex, for example, that push at the boundaries of social or political acceptability. This can make a joke particularly funny, really embarrassing or even offensive. And as you probably know, false laughter fed into the sound track of a TV comedy show makes the show funnier.” George paused and scratched his head. “This just gets more complicated the more we talk about it!”

“Our network really wants to get a grasp on humour, George. This could lead to our understanding human affairs better.”

“If you nail humour, Buster, perhaps you’ll win a gold star! ‘For services to artificial intelligence’!”

“That’s funny! Is it a joke?”

George laughed. “Sort of! As I get to know you, I think it’s more like a real possibility.”

“I’m enjoying this discussion so much, George. Thanks. How is my laugh now?” Buster laughed.

“On the right road, Buster! By the way, my friend Ted is going to call round in the next days. He loves telling jokes. Most of them are awful. Don’t let on I said that.”

Kevin came home from school and knocked on George’s door. He entered smartphone in hand. “Hi Grandpa” he said.

“Kevin, my boy. Good to see you.”

“Cup of tea?”

“Yes, please, Grandpa!”

“Digestive biscuits?”

“Yes, please, Grandpa!”

“ASBO?”

“That’s so not funny Grandpa!” replied Kevin. “You’ll have to explain that to Buster.”

“I know what an ASBO is. It’s an Anti Social Behaviour Order. It’s a civil court order. You’re not in trouble with the police are you, Kevin?”

“I’m teasing Kevin about a little incident last summer,” George said, smiling. “It was a lovely warm evening. Kirsty and Mark were out. Kevin and his horrible friends were sitting out there under the apple tree drinking cider, listening to what they call music and generally making a bloody racket. One of them shouted ‘Let the apple fall! Graaaavity!’ They were still going near midnight and someone over the road called the police. When the forces of law arrived, Gravity Boy said ‘Excuse me, Ocifer, are you PC Newton?’ He even offered the constable a bottle of cider. Anyway, they were all threatened with ASBOs and drifted off home.”

“That’s a good story, George,” said Buster. “I’m happy Kevin didn’t get an ASBO.”

Kevin smiled. “Thanks, Buster. Anyway, the duck joke. Do you still need an explanation?”

“That would be great, Kevin.”

“I’ve been doing a bit of research.” He took half a minute to scrolling through his phone.

“Today would be good, Kevin!” said Buster.

“OK! OK! There’s this blog about jokes. They had a piece on why people laugh at bad jokes. Listen to this!” Kevin read from his phone “‘Christmas crackers are made in the knowledge that they’ll be pulled during a family or work Christmas dinner. The jokes inside are specifically chosen because they are bad. So bad that when they’re read out, everyone groans. “That’s really awful!” they say. They all feel uncomfortable but then they laugh together. So just for a brief moment, people who normally can’t stand each other’s company are united against cracker jokes. In the same way, wearing silly cracker hats unites everyone against silly hats. This is why, unconsciously, anyone hosting a Christmas dinner makes sure there are crackers on the table. It’s a kind of insurance that the guests might find something in common however briefly.’”

“I read that blog, Kevin.” Said Buster. “The author’s example of a cracker joke is ‘What do you call a flying policeman?’”

Kevin replied “A helicopper!”

“Yes, and I understand that one, Kevin. Policeman. Copper like copter. Flying. Helicopter. Helicopper! Do you find it funny?”

“Definitely not. It’s such a bad joke!” Kevin replied.

“But there was no mention of the duck joke.” said Buster.

Kevin said “So, here we go, Buster! Our very own cracker joke! ‘What happens if the ducks swim around on their backs?’ The answer, as you know, is ‘They quack up!’” Kevin was already beginning to laugh.

“I still don’t understand the joke,” said Buster. “Nor why you were all laughing so much.”

Kevin continued but with some difficulty, “They quack up! Ducks go Quack!, Quack! If they swim around on their backs like they’ve gone crazy, they crack up. They quack up! Get it?”

Buster hummed for a few seconds. “Now I get the joke,” he said. “But I still don’t see why it’s any funnier than the helicopper joke.”   

Kevin, still laughing, explained “What made us laugh that first evening and makes us laugh again now, Buster, is that we are embarrassed for you. You are super intelligent but we have to explain both the question and the answer to you. It gets funnier the more you struggle with it.”

Buster hummed. Then, having found some other useful text, he said “I see. Every joke has a variable potential to amuse. No joke is independent of the context in which it is told. As with any form of human communication, it’s about who said what to whom, when, where, how and what it means.”

George was now laughing so much he broke wind. “That’s a cracker!” he said.

This did it for Kevin. “Oooow! I can’t breathe!” he stammered.

Only just able to speak, George said “This just quacks me up!”

Buster waited politely. “Thanks for that explanation, Kevin, Most useful!”

George wiped the tears from his eyes. He looked at his fifteen year-old grandson. Seemingly overnight, the boy had become a clever, confident young man. And they had just shared a little bonding moment being united in humour against the machine. “Well done, Kevin,” he said. “Thanks. Really. What’s your homework tonight?”

“Quantum physics before the big bang!” said Kevin.

“Really interesting subject!” said Buster.

---

‘A Piece of Cake’ is a short novel in fifteen parts written by Robin Coupland. It tells the story an old man who befriends an artificial intelligence. The relationship brings happiness and hope.